Madness in the TARDIS
by koishii-girl
Summary: One day in the TARDIS, things go horribly wrong. Or at least, they go horribly silly! Doctor/TARDIS, Doctor/Master, River/Capt.Jack/Donna, Rassilon/Everyone, vague Amy/Rory.
1. The Beginning of the Madness!

**DISCLAIMER - It is probably a good thing I don't own Doctor Who, or else this would totally be canon.**

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One day, the Doctor was sitting in the TARDIS when he realized how sexy she was. He said to her, "Let's do it!" and they had steamy machine sex. By then end, the Doctor was tired and covered in melted cheese.

Then, Amy came in and was appalled at the Doctor's state. "Oh my god! What happened to you, Doctor?" she exclaimed.

The Doctor just smiled and said "Doesn't matter, had sex."

Then Rory came in and was so shocked that he had a heart attack and died again. Captain Jack, who had been filming everything with a camcorder, began to whine, "No fair, I thought I was the guy who was allowed to keep dying and come back." At that, River Song bitchslapped him for being a bitch.

Then... The Master materialized inside the TARDIS! "HahahaHAHAhahHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Imma kill you Doctor," he announced. Then he noticed that Doctor was covered in cheese. "After I eat you," he finished, and started licking the Doctor's suit.

"Ew." said Amy. She wrinkled her nose.

The Doctor shrugged, saying, "Whatever, at least he's not killing humans. Besides, I think I wear Time Lord saliva now. Time Lord saliva is cool..."

The Master interrupted him saying, "Your jacket's prickly and tastes like Dalek jizz, take it off."

So the Doctor did.

Captian Jack looked at River in a "that-looks-fun-can-I-join-in-please-mistress" way. He whined a little. River bitchslapped him again and went back to watching the action with rapt attention.

"I don't wanna be here anymore," muttered Amy. She dragged Rory's corpse to the corner and proceeded to have a long philosophical discussion with it.

After a few sticky and vaguely homoerotic minutes, the Master ran out of cheese. He stood up, wiping his mouth on a scrap of the Doctor's pants. "That was good!" he announced. "And now... MUSIC TIME!"

"Oh, not again," the Doctor groaned.

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**Wondering what happened?**

**Read on to find out! Review and I'll love you forever, or at least until my regenerations run out! (I can do R&R too. Just let me know what story you want me to review.)**


	2. The Doctor Degenerates

**DISCLAIMER - It is probably a good thing I don't own Doctor Who, or else this would totally be canon.**

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The melodious noise of Rebecca Black's hit song "FRIDAY" began to waft through the TARDIS's HD speakers as the Master jumped onto the TARDIS's control panel and began to perform a striptease.

"AAAARGH, MAKE IT STOP!" yelled Amy, covering her ears.

"KEEP GOING" bellowed Captain Jack and River. Then River bitchslapped Captain Jack while yelling "JINX! YOU OWE ME A SODA!" So Captain Jack went to get her a soda.

The Doctor, meanwhile, had curled up in a corner of the TARDIS and fallen asleep, due to being tired after a hard shag. The Master saw, and was not pleased. He threw one of his shoes at the Doctor.

The Doctor sat up blinking and rubbing his eyes, going "'Sup, Master?" in a sleepy voice.

The Master crossed his arms and stomped his foot. "I do love it when you say my name," he said, "But I don't like you. Your previous incarnation was so much easier to torture..." Then he pulled his laser screwdriver out of his tighty-whities. "But I can fix that!" he announced. He pressed a button and the Doctor began to de-generate, as the Master cackled "haHAHAHAhahahahahaHAhaaaa!" The Doctor was gone and in his place was… THE DOCTOR! But with less floppy hair, a striped suit, and converse sneakers.

"What? WHAT? What." said the old-new Doctor. The Master grinned, grabbed his hand, and pulled him into a corner where they began to spoon romantically as the Doctor cried and the Master sang "Voodoo Child" in his ear softly. River and applauded them as Amy vomited slightly.

Then Donna Noble walked in the door. "Oh, no, I thought this was a real police box and now it looks like I'm stuck with you lot again," she said.

"You know you can just leave," pointed out Amy.

"No she can't!" said River. "Stay and talk to me, you sexy beast!" She ran to Donna and linked arms with her.

"Don't mind if I do," said Donna. They sat down and began to discuss what a douche the Doctor was and how much they both enjoyed messing around with him.

Then, Captain Jack came back with a bottle of Coca Cola and… THE DALEKS!

"Jack, Why the FUCK did you have to bring them here?" asked River, bitch-slapping him.

"They told me they were strippers disguised as Daleks and I believed them" said Jack.

Donna was about to make a snarky comment to River, when the Daleks began to say in their machine-voices, "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

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**Oh, no! What will the Daleks do?**

**Read on to find out! Review and I'll love you forever, or at least until my regenerations run out! (I can do R&R too. Just let me know what story you want me to review.)**


	3. The Orgy of the Time Lords

**DISCLAIMER - It is probably a good thing I don't own Doctor Who, or else this would totally be canon.**

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"NOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Amy at the advancing metallic creatures. "Please don't kill us!"

"Fuck the Daleks, I'm going to kill you!" shouted River at Captain Jack, and she began to chase Captain Jack around the TARDIS.

Then, the Daleks exploded in such a shower of glitter and confetti that even the Master stopped his crooning to look. Out of the Dalek shells, emerged Rassilon and the Time Lords, all dressed in Playboy bunny suits. "Did we hear someone say, "Time Lord orgy?" said Rassilon, mincing sexily.

"No." said the Master, frowning as he gave the still-sobbing Doctor a Swedish massage. "Go away, I'm still trying to decide whether this bitch should live or die."

"Who cares!" shouted Rassilon. "It's time for a Time Lord orgy! AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED!" He and the Time Lords descended on the Doctor and the Master, giggling like schoolgirls.

"HELP!" yelled the Master.

"OK!" yelled River, Donna, and Jack, jumping into the fray.

The Doctor cried harder.

And sexy-times were had.

Meanwhile, Amy noticed that not so far away from her lay the Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver. "Stay here, Rory," she whispered to her dead husband. Then she began to creep slowly towards it, grinning to herself. She had just picked it up when Rory came back to life, shouting something in Latin. Amy was so shocked that she fired the sonic screwdriver at him, killing him again.

At this, the Time Lord orgy ground to a halt. "Ohmygosh, she killed Rory!" exclaimed a random Time Lady.

"He's getting better," argued Amy, as Rory's corpse gave a death rattle.

"ORLY?" said Rassilon.

"YA RLY." said Amy, as Rory began to decompose.

"Can we get back to the fucking?" asked Captain Jack.

"We can," said River. "Your turn with the strap-on, Donna."

"Oh, goody!" said Donna. "This is going to be fun!"

"Oh no, it won't!" yelled the Master.

"Why not?" asked the two ladies, much taken aback.

"Because I have summoned the Toclafane and they are going to kill you all while the Doctor and I sip scotch, watch the Teletubbies, and reminisce about old times." answered the Master.

"Don't I have any say in this?" asked the Doctor, wiping away the last of his tears.

The Mater turned his angry face on the Doctor. "NO!" he shouted.

"Well, I guess it's ok as long as the Humans are safe," said the Doctor peevishly. "Can't you let them survive and kill the Time Lords again?"

"Why us?" asked Rassilon.

"Because you suck and no-one wants you, not even your mother," said the Doctor. "Go away."

But before Rassilon and the Time Lords could do anything or anyone... THE TOCLAFANE APPEARED!

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**Oh, no! Not the Toclafane! How on earth will our heroes get out of this one?**

**Read on to find out! Review and I'll love you forever, or at least until my regenerations run out! (I can do R&R too. Just let me know what story you want me to review.)**


	4. The Master's Confusion

**DISCLAIMER - It is probably a good thing I don't own Doctor Who, or else this would totally be canon.**

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Everyone cowered in the TARDIS's corners as the Master stood laughing evilly. The Toclafane circled his head like huge, round mosquitos. Amy tried her hardest to zap them away, but the sonic beams merely bounced off the Toclafane's shells and made little holes in the TARDIS's new, plush interior. "I thought the sonic screwdriver could work on anything except work on wood! Why won't it work!" she cried in frustration.

"We will explain later," said the Toclafane.

"Yes, they will," said the Master. "After they kill you all! Except the Doctor, of course. AAAHAhahahHAHAhahahaaaa!"

"You know we'll just regenerate," pointed out a young Time Lord.

"Oh, right," said the Master, frowning. "Um. In that case, I'll just keep killing you until you run out of regenerations! HaaaaHAHAHAAAAA!"

"What about me?" said Captain Jack.

"And me," murmured Rory's corpse.

The Master began to look a little disconcerted. "Uh, you two… Uh… Will be hurled out of the TARDIS into the Time Vortex if you don't die! Yeah!"

"What about us?" said Donna, gesturing to herself and River Song.

The Master's face was beginning to turn a little red from anger. "You two can't regenerate! You'll just die! End of your lives, Have fun, Bye-bye!" he announced.

"Uh, actually you're a little wrong about me…" started River.

"I! DON'T! FUCKING! CARE!" the Master shouted. "Decimate them, my friends!"

The Toclafane began to fly menacingly towards their cornered victims, when the Doctor whispered quietly, "Hey, TARDIS? Let's have some cheese, please!"

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**Cheese! What kind of plan has our Doctor got up his sleeve?**

**Read on to find out! Review and I'll love you forever, or at least until my regenerations run out! (I can do R&R too. Just let me know what story you want me to review.)**


	5. Saved by the Dairy!

**DISCLAIMER - It is probably a good thing I don't own Doctor Who, or else this would totally be canon.**

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Out of the vents on the roof of the TARDIS streamed gallons of melted cheese. Cheddar, Mozzarella, Monterey jack, Norwegian beaver cheese… It was all there, and it was all over everyone.

The Toclafane were so weighed down by the deluge that they fell onto the floor and were lost in the ocean of melted milk-based dairy products. Everyone else struggled upright. Some of the Time Lords were licking each other and giggling. "This is much better than any cheese in the one supermarket on Gallifrey," marveled Rassilon. "How did you get all this, Doctor?"

"I'll explain later," said the Doctor. "But I promise I'll deliver a bajillion tons of this stuff to the planet at some point if you'll leave now."

Suddenly, all the Time Lords except the Master were gone.

"Wow," murmured Amy. "That was quick. You Time Lords really like your cheese."

"Yeah," agreed the Doctor, as he turned to face the Master.

Surprisingly, the Master wasn't angry any more. He was floating face-downwards in the cheese, sucking it in blissfully. The Doctor hauled him upright again, saying, "Are you staying with me, then?"

"Shaddup, I wanna eat my cheeeeese!" whined the Master.

"Turn me back to my proper regeneration, and I'll let you stay and eat the cheese," bargained the Doctor. "I'll even toast some bread and fry up some bacon so you can make sandwiches. Just turn me back, please." The Master dutifully pulled his laser screwdriver out of his banana-hammock again, and the Doctor was soon back to his bow-tied, floppy-haired, high-cheekboned self. He gave the Master a big smacking kiss on the lips and the Master swooned back into the sea of cheese, sighing blissfully.

The Doctor then turned to Amy, Donna, Jack, River, and Rory's corpse. "Um," he said. "I don't know why all of you are here anyway, but we might as well have a dance party while we're on our way to get cheese for the Time Lords. Anyway, Dance parties are cool." He waded around the control panel, spurring the TARDIS to life.

And, so, as the energizing strains of The Black-Eyed Peas's "I Gotta Feeling" wafted through the air and they all got freaky on the dance floor, the TARDIS whirled and tumbled through the Time Vortex on its way to the Cheese Shop Near the End of the Universe.

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**That's all for now, folks! I hope you were able to enjoy this little crack-fest of mine!**

**Review and I'll love you forever, or at least until my regenerations run out. (I can do R&R too! Just let me know what story you want me to review.)**


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